You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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