you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
