your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
