Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
