end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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