when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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