My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
is it fun? or sober?
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