I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize