If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize