I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
