how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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