my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
