It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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