No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
