If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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