the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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