I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
