woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
