This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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