My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
