Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
