Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
