would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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