Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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