I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My cat gives me a boner
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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