I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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