just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
