Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize