My friends, they love my intelligence
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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