So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
