whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
