I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Pants are for mortals
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize