And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
