One girl and one boy is just not enough.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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