I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
