I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
grandma shit on top of the toilet
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
