walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize