Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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