You smell like a Billy Joel song
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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