First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
