Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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