Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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