:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
