my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
