Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
