i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Mom said you looked used
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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