He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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