I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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