i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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