i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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