I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
