I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize