I want to make a zoo with you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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