I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
