i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
