Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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