I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
