I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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